Posts Tagged ‘letting go’


According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of explore is: 1. A. to investigate, study, or analyze: look into. B. to become familiar with by testing or experimenting. 2. to travel over (new territory) for adventure or discovery. 3. to examine especially for diagnostic purposes. 4. to make or conduct a systematic search.

The word EXPLORE is a verb (an action word). I have decided that this is my word for 2020. My youngest, Ty, just turned 18. I have been living with Kiowa in Georgia since May (2019), but God has stripped me of some things and maybe that is because He is preparing me for more, now that my kids are grown. Moving to Georgia was definitely God’s will, but I believe that living with Kiowa was a temporary launching pad for something great. This is the year that I step out on my own and start to explore some important concepts, perceptions, traditions, and systems within myself and society as a whole. Some of the ways I will EXPLORE this year are:

  1. Community – I will be doing an internship with Koinonia Farm located in Americus, Georgia. Koinonia Farm was created in 1942 to be a demonstration plot for the Kingdom of God. It was based on the early church of Acts where everyone shared their resources and lived, worked, and worshiped as a community. Acts 2:42-47 42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved. The internship starts February 15th and ends May 9th. My goal is to explore what life is like in Christian community. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and build relationships that are built on the unconditional love of Christ. It’s been easy to build those relationships with my kids, but what does that look like with strangers? What does grace, mercy and love look like with people of different backgrounds, opinions, traditions, and experiences? Am I able to not just accept others for who they are, but to really love others for who they are? Am I able to love others, imperfections and all, the way that Jesus loves me? Am I willing to give up material possessions, some privacy, conveniences, and other ways of life that I am used to? Am I willing to sacrifice for the good of the community? Am I willing to put the well being of the community first? These are all questions I want to explore. I want to push myself to deepen my faith and my relationship with God through community. 
  2. Myself – I am taking time this year to find out who I am. As I peel back the layers of myself, I want to explore who I am underneath the roles I play, I have been a single mom for 19 years. I have been a friend, a family member, an employee, a woman with an anxiety disorder, diabetes and high blood pressure. Who am I underneath all these labels? Do I live my life as a result of these labels? Am I missing out on living an authentic life because I don’t know who I really am? Why do I think the way I do? Have I taken on opinions simply because I grew up that way and nothing has ever challenged my perceptions? Am I willing to open my heart and mind to different ways of thinking? Am I willing to stand up for those things that I really believe in no matter who challenges me? Am I able to define a core set of values and live by those values even in the face of opposition? Will I face challenges with courage or will I run in fear? These questions will be answered this year. I have lived in reaction to life circumstances for 49 years and it is time for me to find out who the real Patti is and start living according to my God-given identity.
  3. God – I have a good relationship with God, but the Christian life is a journey of sanctification. We strive to be like Jesus, not that we will ever arrive at perfection. I will explore God as I explore community and myself. I am looking forward to chapel services at 7:45 Monday – Friday, devotions at noon meals Monday – Friday and evening meals Tuesday – Thursdays, Sunday services mornings and evenings, and the prayer bells ringing at 10:00 a.m. 3:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. daily to remind us all to pause and worship our Savior. I am looking forward to getting away from Netflix and Hulu and focusing on seeing God in the world around me. I look forward to focusing on people and how God wants me to serve others. I am looking forward to digging into the Bible as I live out God’s will in the community around me.

For the first time in my life I will be able to explore who I am and who I am in Christ. I am nervous about this next phase of my life. I am letting go of my kids, who have been my security blankets for 26 years. I am finding the faith to depend only on a God who will never leave me nor forsake me. This year will be an adventure and I am ready. I will keep you updated as the year and internship progresses. I visit Koinonia farm February 1st – 8th and then start the internship on the 15th. It isn’t always easy when God strips you of everything. It forces you to depend solely on Him. It can leave you feeling helpless, overwhelmed and desperate. Ultimately, it brings you to this place of complete trust and peace, knowing that there are times when there is nothing you can do but trust God. If you give in and walk in His will you will begin to see that everything you thought was impossible begins to fall into place effortlessly. Being stripped of everything isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, it is God’s way of emptying us to fill us with so much more of His blessing and love. Don’t be afraid of the emptying. Be ready for the re-filling.

Read Full Post »


anger management


Ephesians 4:26-27

26 “In your anger do not sin”. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

Anger has been an ongoing emotion for me in the last few weeks. It has been very difficult for me to bite my tongue and not say something damaging and hurtful in defense of my daughter.

Without going into specifics (that is not the point of this post), I can tell you that my daughter has been under attack from people, who have for some reason decided to hurt her. My daughter is 20 years old and so I have tried to step back and let her handle the situation. It hasn’t been easy for me. Any one who knows me, knows that I have had some anger issues when it comes to my kids and those I love. This isn’t anything that I am proud of, I am simply telling you this to say that I think God is changing me. I have not flipped out like the old me would have done. I have found comfort under the wings of my Lord and protector.

It has been stressful. I feel her pain and it breaks my heart, because I feel so helpless. I have raged against the hateful, insensitive way that people can treat other people. I have raged inwardly against these people who find it funny to bully my 20 year old daughter who is sweet and loving and would never hurt anyone.

God has been speaking to me through this situation. George Verwer (founder of Operation Mobilization) visited my church this past weekend and what he said Sunday morning really touched me. He said that he has made a practice of not letting the sun go down on his anger. He, also said that, he never let the sun go down without forgiving those who had harmed him that day. I knew that he was speaking to me.

The other part of the passage in Ephesians 4 says, “in your anger do not sin”. I admit that I have come close. What stops me is this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to disappoint God. I want to glorify God. I do not want to open the door for Satan to step in. I do not want to give Satan a foothold in my life.

This situation has led to the establishment of a new bedtime ritual:

1. Surrendering the anger- Every evening I say a prayer, letting go of any anger that I have built up against anyone during the day. I voice it and surrender it.

2. Forgiving- In that evening prayer, I forgive anyone who has hurt me in any way during the day. Even when that means forgiving the same person, day after day after day.

During the day, when that feeling of anger comes poking its’ head around, I try to surrender the anger immediately. I say try, because I am not always successful. Sometimes I fail miserably! But, I try. I surrender the anger and make a decision to act in a way that will bring honor to my heavenly Father.

If you are dealing with anger, you are not alone! Anger is an emotion we all feel at one time or another. It is a part of life in this fallen world. Acknowledge the feeling and let it go. Make that commitment to act with integrity, no matter what the situation. If you need some encouragement, contact me. God loves you, single mom, and so do I!

Read Full Post »

college ahead

When the kids were growing up, I always insisted that all 5 of them would go to college. I did not do well in school. I hated it and finally graduated from an adult school when I was 20. I did make a couple of attempts at college and finally earned an associates degree in 2011, just before my 41st birthday. I wanted more for my kids and always pushed them to value their education.

I always assumed that they would want college as much as I wanted it for them. As they have started to grow into adulthood, I have realized that I may have to change my expectations.

My 20 year old daughter, Cherokee, graduated from high school in 2012 as a member of the National Honor Society. She had taken several AP classes in high school and was on her way to college. She did start college in the Fall of 2012. She was going to apply for nursing school and become a pediatric nurse or a medical missionary. That was the plan. Almost immediately, she started to falter. She realized that she doesn’t like hospitals or needles. She really did not have any idea of what she wanted to do. In October, she found out she was pregnant and left school after one semester. She talks about returning to a community college. She is intelligent, independent, and motivated and I have no doubt that she will figure it all out. At this moment, she is working and focused on being mommy to a beautiful baby girl.

My 18 year old daughter, Kiowa, has surprised me by being the one who is in college now. My surprise is only because Kiowa has always hated school. She is smart, but academics has not come easy for her. She graduated high school this past June (2013) and started classes at our local community college in August. She is majoring in visual communications. She wants to do video in a news room. I think this college experience will open many doors for her and I think she will stick with it. She still struggles academically, but she is determined. She is the one I didn’t think I’d see in college and she is the one who will make it work.

My 17 year old daughter, Cree, is a lot like Cherokee. She has always done well in school. She is taking AP classes as a junior in high school, but has no idea what she wants to go to college for. She loves art and is a budding artist, but isn’t sure if that’s really what she wants to go to school for. I sat down with her and we discussed her options. As I have become enlightened, I have realized that college is not for everyone. Some people will never go or simply need some time to experience the world. As my girls have become young adults and have struggled to find themselves, I have discovered that 18 is such a young age to know what you want to do with the rest of your life. Cree is a student leader in her youth group at church. She loves the camps and retreats. She went on a week long camping trip to a youth center in Colorado in June and loved it. She loved Colorado. She is seriously considering doing a year long internship at the center when she graduates high school. I think this would be a great experience for her.

I have two sons Talon, 13 and Ty 11. My sons are not academically inclined. Talon is doing well in 7th grade, but does not like school. He talks about college, but time will tell. Talon likes to fix things and build things. Ty loves cars and nothing else. They both love being outdoors. I am excited to see what the future holds for these two sons of mine.

My kids have taught me these last couple of years not to push my own agenda on them. I want the best for them, but they need to find out for themselves who they are and what they want to do with their lives. Even if they make mistakes. I need to allow them to spread their wings and fly. It is a hard thing for a mom to do. I hate sitting back and watching a potential train wreck. I want to run to them waving a red flag in warning. We can’t always do that. At some point we have to let them choose their own path. They know that I am always here for them, but I can not live their lives for them. At some point I need to place them lovingly into the strong hands of our heavenly Father and trust that He will guide them in their journey through life. This does not happen without tears being shed. I am excited to see what great things they will do, but I also want to hold them close and protect them from the pain of the world. College is not everything. Life is a classroom and sometimes we learn our most important lessons there.

Read Full Post »

praise God

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The goal of practicing contentment, the goal of rejoicing is to be given the gift of God’s peace. The peace of God is a gift. It is a gift that our loving Father wants to give us, but it is up to us to receive. I have started an Online Bible Study through Proverbs 31 Ministries. This study is based on the book, “When Women Say Yes To God” by Lysa TerKeurst. One of the tag lines for the study is Palms Up. Are we living our lives tightly holding on to what we have, or are we living our lives with our Palms Upwilling to give it ALL to God?

In order to receive the gift of peace, we have to be willing to let go:

1. We have to let go of our own agendas. You may dream of being a missionary in Africa, but that may not be where God wants you right now. Look around and see where you can serve in your own community. Let go of what you want and embrace what God wants for you.

2. We have to let go of our materialistic attitudes. Let go of everything you think you HAVE to have and embrace the fullness of God as He meets your needs on a daily basis.

3. Let go of the climb up the corporate ladder. If you are only working for material possessions or the greatest vacations, I encourage you to take a step back and really seek God’s will for your life. We ALL have a God given purpose on earth. Let go of living in the rat race and embrace the simple, but blessed life God has waiting for you.

I am ready to let go of greed, worry, fear, and anything else that keeps me from accepting the gift of peace. I am ready to live my life with Palms Up, embracing the peace and joy God has waiting for me. I invite you to join me, as I let go and live Palms Up.

Read Full Post »



At this moment, I am propped up on my bed fighting a nasty cold. Normally, I would be in the prayer room, but my body said otherwise. I needed this day of rest and am actually glad to have this time to catch you up on my crazy life. Monday was Kiowa’s last day of high school. I’m not sure what she is going to do. She wants to start a running group, so she may do that. She is young and her life is a blank canvas. She just has to choose the colors she wants and paint her life the way she wants it (or hopefully, the way God wants it…). The other big news, is that Cherokee is getting married Saturday. Her boyfriend, Nick, graduated Friday from basic training with the United States Marine Corps. They will get married Saturday and then he will be gone again Tuesday night. They found out that they are expecting a girl, so our little Ava Rose Fields will be making her appearance in mid June. I am so excited to be a grandma!

rosie wedding

On a more emotional level and because I promised to share the good, the bad and the ugly…I have to tell you that this wedding has been somewhat difficult for  me. Not because I don’t like Nick. I do. Cherokee and I have always been close. I am close to all of my kids, but Cherokee is the first born and she will be leaving, as soon as Nick is done with school and stationed somewhere. She and the baby will be leaving. This has been hard for me. I also, at times, struggle with the fact that she chose to live with his parents when she left school in December. She chose to live with his parents and live with the baby there until they can join Nick. In all honesty, I have dealt with the green-eyed monster called jealousy. I have had moments where I felt like Cherokee loves them more, moments when I felt like they get all the important news first, because they are “better” parents. I have found myself comparing myself to them and coming up short. Now you know…God has been dealing with me on this issue and I refuse to let the enemy wedge his way between myself and my daughter. He would love nothing more than to break this relationship and have victory. I won’t let that happen. I am aware of Satan’s tactics and I love my daughter and grand-daughter to much to let Satan win. I love my soon to be son-in-law too, and am proud of his accomplishments! I can’t say that I won’t have these feelings in the future, but I know where they stem from and I know that I have control over those feelings as long as the Holy Spirit dwells within me. I am not consumed with jealousy to the point where it would tear apart our relationship, but there are moments when something triggers that feeling and then I feel it for a day or so and then with God’s help let it go. I can’t allow myself to dwell on those feelings.

ava cute side

I will cherish the time I do have with Cherokee and Ava Rose and then when the time comes I will release them and know that God is with them and is guiding them into His purpose for their lives. He has a plan and a purpose and I, as a loving mother, need to get out of the way, as hard as that is to do. I need to trust that God loves my children even more than I do and will protect them when I can’t.

My kids are growing up and that means that I am growing older and prayerfully, wiser. I have made many mistakes along this path of parenthood, but I have done my best to raise my kids to be men and women of God. I trust that God will take my mistakes and use them for the good. As they spread their wings to fly solo, all we can do is train them up in the way they should go and trust God with the rest. Am I done parenting these two? I don’t think our jobs as parents ever end, but somehow, I think we transition into a friendship with our grown children that says, “I am here for you as a parent, but I will respect you enough to let you live your life as a friend.” The transition is never easy and I pray that God will give me the grace to listen as a friend, before I act like a parent as my children grow into their own lives.

Read Full Post »