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Are You Married?

April 28, 2021 by pattiburris

As a single mom, the one thing that has always bothered me about the Church as a whole is the focus on marriage. You can walk into any church and know that couples will be accepted more readily than a single person. This makes sense I guess. Through the ages, marriage has been the normal progression of life for the majority of people. But, times have changed. People are NOT getting married as quickly as they once did, marriages are dissolving at an alarming rate and parents raising children alone are now the norm. Society is changing. The Church, however, is not.

There is one church that is trying to change the perspective of it’s congregation and I am blessed to be a member there. This past weekend at Terre Haute First Baptist Church, we met the candidate for our Associate Pastor of Discipleship position. He has experience in working with different age groups and I was very impressed by him. He was giving us some practical advice to carry with us in the week ahead and I was struck by the wisdom of his words.

He said (paraphrased):

“When you meet someone new this week, instead of asking, ‘Are you married?’ say, ‘Tell me about your family’.

Something so simple can break down those barriers to building a relationship that God can work through. When I approached our pastor about starting a single mom ministry, I mentioned the apathy of the Church towards the single mom. I mentioned that the majority of single moms do not feel welcome in the Church. He answered that (again I am paraphrasing here) the Church has held tight to the tradition of marriage and has a difficult time accepting anything different.

When a single mom walks into a church with kids in tow, the assumption is that she is married. If you ask, “Are you married?” you will push her away. If you say, “tell me about your family” you will open the door to a conversation. I can tell you this because of my own experiences with the dreaded “are you married?” question. My typical answer now is, “I’m married to God.” This answer is my truth.

The latest statistics say that 85% of the 15 million single moms (raising 22 million children) in the United States do NOT attend church. We need to do more to bring in the single mom without adding shame. Marriage is the ideal for many people, but not for everyone. Without knowing the single mom’s story, that one insensitive question can remind her of the pain of an abusive marriage, a failed marriage, the shame of a one night stand, etc. We need to have compassion from the moment a single mom walks thru the doors of our churches. We need to build a relationship with her. Yes, we may have to confront the sin, but from a place of compassion and love following the example of Jesus.

“Tell me about your family” Gives her the option of telling you what she wants you to know right now. Help her to feel safe in the conversation. The rest of the story will come when she feels comfortable enough to share it.

The Church should NOT treat the single mom as someone to ostracize. She should not be shamed and made to wear an invisible, but still flesh burning scarlet letter. Her children should not be treated as though they are “less than” because they are being raised by a single mom. The Church MUST do better if we are to change the heartbreaking statistics.

Traditions can be changed. Ideals can be changed. Sometimes they must be changed to keep up with an ever changing society. The Church can change, but we must be willing, as Christians, to change our perspectives. We must be willing, as Christians, to embrace other lifestyles that may challenge those long standing traditions of the Church. It can be done. If we are open to showing the love and compassion of Jesus. If we are open to letting go of our own preconceived ideals of what a family should look like.

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAMILY

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Holding On & Letting Go

March 29, 2021 by pattiburris

Our pastor recently shared a story that had a profound affect on me. Below is my paraphrased version:

A family was visiting a beach where the young son was happily finding shell fragments. Before long his small hands were full of the broken pieces. A little further down, the family came upon a beautiful starfish that that washed up on the shore. The dad told the little boy to pick up the star fish. The boy looked at both of his hands that were tightly grasping the shell fragments and then he looked at the beautiful star fish. His parents could see the dilemma their son was struggling with. Should he let go of the broken shell pieces in order to grasp the fully intact wonderful star fish? Or should he hold tightly to what he already had and let the bigger prize go?

This story immediately made me reflect on my own struggle to let go of my worry over my finances. This is not a new struggle for me. As a single mom working low paying jobs, I have always struggled with money and I have always been more inclined to keep my money clinched tightly in my fists rather than trust God to work through my obedience. Have I ever gone without? No, I haven’t. God provides as I continue to deepen my faith in Him.

It was easy to trust Him when I had a job and steady income. I knew where my money was coming from. I trusted my own ability to provide through my job. It isn’t as easy when you are working on starting a ministry that God placed on your heart many moons ago and you are no longer employed in the traditional way. God continues to provide for ALL of my needs (and even some of my wants), but I have a tendency to cling to my money. I try to call it being a good steward, but the fear I feel when spending/giving any amount of money says otherwise. I am tightly clinching my money because I am afraid that God will at some point either forget about me or decide to quit providing for me. The idea of either one terrifies me!

God is working on me. I have given to the church and other ministries/family as God has led. I help those in need as God leads. I will admit that there is still that inner struggle as my money passes through my fingers, but I know that if I am giving in obedience to God that I can look forward to seeing that blessing.

In the last several years God has stripped me of many material possessions. I struggled each time I had to let go of a piece of furniture, dishes, a car, and my money. These are the shell fragments that I clinched tightly in my hand. The beautiful star fish in my life is God and the blessings that God pours out on the lives of those who love and believe in Him. I still struggle to some degree with the money. I have yet to fully let go of my grip and trust God to provide. I am getting there. Every day there is progress. Every day I grow in faith. Every day I loosen my grip just a bit. I know that God is patient to wait for me. God loves me and His compassion is unfailing.

What are you holding onto today that you need to let go of?

What are the shell fragments in your life that you are tightly clinching in your fists?

What is God asking you to do to loosen the grasp you have on those fragments?

Will you obey Him?

Is the sight of the beautiful starfish (a relationship with the one and only God of the Universe) enough to get you to let go?

I challenge you to answer the above questions and to let go of the shell fragments tightly clinched in your hand. God is patiently waiting for you. He loves you and He is compassionate. Trust Him to bless your life as you obey Him. It will ALWAYS be worth it!

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Arise Ministries: Single Mom Spotlight

March 23, 2021 by pattiburris

I was blessed to be featured in a Single Mom Spotlight for Arise Single Mom Ministries. Arise Ministries is based in Oklahoma where they minister to local single moms, but they also have a national presence through conferences and online Bible studies.

Below is the article I wrote for the Single Mom Spotlight:

As reality sank in and I realized that my marriage was over, I became terrified of the future. I was afraid of having to raise my kids alone. As my dreams of a country house with a white picket fence disappeared, I found myself dreading the days to come. What was I supposed to do now? The future stretched out in front of me like a barren desert, and I felt hopeless.

I’ve been a single mom 20 years now. I understand the road you might be walking on today. Like me at one time, maybe you’ve lost hope for the future or you feel your life will never be the same. Well, the truth is your life will never be the same, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be great. In fact, God is doing a new thing!

If you’re finding yourself in the wasteland today, maybe these five truths will jumpstart your journey in a new direction. They helped me, and I know they will help you as well.

1. Forget the former things. This is a direct command from God. Don’t dwell on the past. We’re instructed to let go of the anger, bitterness, hate, and any other negative feelings taking up residence in our hearts. Start looking ahead to the promises the future holds for your household.

2. Have faith. We can choose to believe God wants only the best for us. I can testify that God has shown up for my kids and me in ways that were sheer miracles. He has provided and protected us. He has given me a passion for writing and for serving single moms. This new mission keeps me going when times get tough.

3. Change your perspective. This can be hard, but there are times when we need to make the best of a bad situation and find the good in what seems to be an impossible circumstance. When we focus on the positive, we improve our own mental health and the emotional well-being of our kids. God is providing a new way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. The future is a blank canvas, and we get to choose if we want to embrace it.

4. Build community. Community is so important. It can be difficult to walk into a church alone with kids in tow; however, we need a church family to love and support us in our role as a single mom. So don’t give up searching for the right church for your family. Ask God to lead you to the right faith community that will become a village for you and your kids.

5. Create traditions. This new season is a chance to develop new traditions. What a fun opportunity for your family to think of creative Saturday morning activities and new ways to celebrate holidays and birthdays.

Yes, things have changed and the future can look like a wasteland. But remember, God is still at work. This can be the beginning of a new adventure! -Patti B.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. —Isaiah 43:18

To learn more about Arise Ministries click HERE

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Giving Thanks Before The Miracle Happens

March 3, 2021 by pattiburris

Matthew 14:18-21

18 “Bring them here to me,” he said. 19 And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. 20 They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. 21 The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.

Matthew 15:35-37

35 He told the crowd to sit down on the ground. 36 Then he took the seven loaves and the fish, and when he had given thanks, he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. 37 They all ate and were satisfied. Afterward the disciples picked up seven basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.

I love these stories of Jesus feeding the masses, but it isn’t the miracle itself that touches me. It is the simple act of giving thanks. Jesus gives thanks for the miracle BEFORE the miracle happens. He knew how many people needed to be fed. He knew how little food they had to work with. He also knew that His Father in heaven was a miracle working God and that He WOULD feed these hungry people. Jesus had faith in the miracle.

I know what you are thinking. We aren’t Jesus. Maybe that worked for Jesus, but what is the guarantee that it will work for us? There is no guarantee. God does what He wants to do, but Jesus set the example that we are to follow. Giving thanks before the miracle is all about faith. It is all about following the example of Jesus and trusting God to work the miracle according to our faith.

When we give thanks BEFORE the miracle happens, we are building our faith muscle. We are saying to God, “I trust you and I believe that you WILL work in this situation.” When we give thanks before the miracle, we feel the burden lifting and a peace falling over us. God IS at work!

CHALLENGE: Give God a chance! Give thanks BEFORE the healing. Give thanks BEFORE you get the job. Give thanks BEFORE your marriage is restored. Give thanks BEFORE God provides for that emergency need. Give thanks BEFORE your child is saved. Give thanks BEFORE and watch how God works in your situation.

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Faith, Coffee And A Kid: Guest Post

February 22, 2021 by pattiburris

I was blessed with the opportunity to write a guest post for faithcoffeeandakid.com. Chere Williams is the founder of a single mom ministry that hosts conferences, workshops, and podcasts. I was so excited to be able to minister to her single moms through the written word!

I was participating in a single parent retreat weekend in June of 2006 when God ignited a passion in me to serve the single mom. That is where it began and now, here I am 15 years later starting a single mom ministry in my church. FINALLY! It’s finally coming together. I will be working full-time serving single moms and it only took me 15 years! I know! I hear you asking, “what took you so long?” To read the rest of the article click HERE.

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Why Serve The Single Mom?

February 17, 2021 by pattiburris

I’m sure it is no secret at this point that I am super passionate about serving single moms. I have spent 15 years getting to the point where God can actually use me in HIS ministry to single moms. It is my passion to advocate for the single mom, to educate the community about the single mom life, to break down those barriers to resources that are desperately needed in order for a single mom to move ahead. More than anything though, I simply want the single mom and her kids to know how much Jesus loves them. Single moms are judged unfairly by society. They are condemned by the church before they can share their story. They are afraid to ask for help. They and their children may desperately need help, but they put on a brave face until they are at their breaking point. They stay in abusive relationships because that may be easier than the struggles of going it alone. They don’t ask for help because they don’t want to be condemned for their lifestyle. They don’t reach out because they are afraid of being judged. We need to do better to love on that single mom who is leaving an abusive relationship. We need to do better to alleviate some of the physical needs of the single mom so that she can focus on her kids. We need to do better to build that supportive village for these moms and their children. We need to do better as Christians to have compassion on these moms who are struggling in isolation. It doesn’t matter why they are single moms. The only thing that matters to Jesus, is that we take them and their children in, we love on them and we build them up. We simply need to do better. I have shared some statistics below.

National Statistics

According to The Life Of A Single Mom Ministries (February 5, 2019):

  • There are 13 Million single moms raising 19 Million kids
  • 1 out of 5 kids is raised by a single mom
  • There are 300% more single mom led families now than in 1960
  • About ½ of single moms have never married
  • Childcare is sometimes more than half of a single mom’s income annually
  • ⅓ of single moms spend more than half of their income on housing
  • Only ⅓ of single moms receive child support
  • Around 40% of single moms are employed in low wage jobs
  • Snap Program: 59% of all recipients are single moms
  • TANF: 90% of recipients are single moms
  • ⅓ of single mom led families are food insecure
  • Single mom led families make up 60% of homeless families in the United States

Children living in single mom led households are at higher risk for:

  • Suicide
  • Poverty
  • Food insecurity
  • Imprisonment
  • Dropping out of school
  • Teenage pregnancies
  • Drugs
  • Crime 
  • Mental Illness
  • Academic Issues

Of the 13 MILLION single moms in the United States, 9 MILLION of them do NOT attend church. That is 69% of single moms do NOT attend church! (TLSM November 13, 2019)

The single mom family has become a mission field in itself. 

There are over 300,000 churches in the United States and only 1% of those churches have a single mom ministry. 

Basic Needs Of A Single Mom

  • Car repairs
  • House repairs/maintenance
  • Yardwork/maintenance
  • Food 
  • Basic household items 
  • Diapers/baby items
  • Clothes
  • Childcare
  • Financial Assistance
  • Children’s needs (tutoring, mentoring, etc.)
  • Support system (Social Network) for herself and her kids
  • A Discipleship Program/group

Why do we need a single mom ministry?

Raising kids is hard enough when 2 parents are sharing the burden. Many couples are struggling financially to make ends meet on 2 incomes, not to mention the burden of  making sure household and parenting responsibilities are being taken care of. The single mom does not have that extra person to share the burden with. She is paying the bills on her own, along with balancing all of the other responsibilities on her own. Many single moms are also dealing with emotional baggage from past relationships or abuse. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a church to help alleviate some of that burden. When the church comes together to help the single mom and her children, we not only help to alleviate the physical burdens of the single mom journey, but we are also loving that single mom and her children to Jesus and isn’t that the most important thing? 

Single moms should NOT have to struggle alone! We as the Church need to be more proactive in helping single mom families. We need to quit talking and start doing. We need to put compassion into action. They and their children deserve so much better than what we have given them. My challenge to all Christians is to keep your heart and your eyes open to opportunities to serve the single moms around you. Build those relationships without judgement. Be that example of Jesus to these moms and their kids. You will receive your reward when that mom gives you a grateful smile with tears in her eyes or that child gives you a hug that you feel to your toes. It makes it all worth it!

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5 Lessons I Learned In 2020

December 29, 2020 by pattiburris

I think most people around the world are reeling from the chaos that has been 2020. Here in the United States, we are emotionally overwhelmed from the pandemic, the racial/police tensions, and the election. We are a nation divided. I think we always have been, but we experience times of peace, as well as, times of discord. Are we a nation ready to implode? I don’t know. Will we recover? I hope so. I am afraid though that if we continue to stray further and further away from God, recovery may not be possible.

But all of that is beside the point. This blog post is about the lessons I have learned from 2020. This has been a tough year for me, but also a blessed year. I moved back from Georgia in March after saying that I would NEVER return. I had a shoulder injury that bothered me much of the year. We welcomed a precious granddaughter in March. My parents were supposed to visit in July for their bi-annual visit, but the pandemic happened and now it will be 3 years between visits. I have been blessed to be able to watch my grands this school year. So, it hasn’t been a horrible year. It has had it’s challenges, but what year doesn’t?

Now for the lessons I have learned in 2020:

  1. Change is inevitable – Change is part of life. Transition happens ALL the time. I have had to adapt to change this year. I moved back from Georgia after 10 months. It was a tough decision. I had determined that I was not moving back to Indiana, but it was a better place for me. When I returned, I moved in with my ex-husband Howard and his wife Tami. I struggled with this. Tami and I are best friends, but it wasn’t necessarily what I wanted. I have learned to embrace the changes in life, instead of fighting them. Change happens. Fighting only wears you down to the point of missing all the good stuff that is mixed in with the bad.
  2. God still performs miracles – I had an MRI on my shoulder in February that showed a partial tear in my rotator cuff. It caused me a significant amount of pain and I didn’t have full range of motion for several months. I prayed for healing in my shoulder. In July, another MRI showed no tear at all. Since then I have regained full range of motion with just a little discomfort and the pain is 95% gone. If I over stretch, I feel some pain, but it is so much better. I can use my arm again and I am so grateful for that! Miracles DO still happen.
  3. God knows best – When I moved to Georgia in May of 2019, I had planned on a happy life soaking in the sun and warmth year round. That was MY plan. That was NOT God’s plan. Because I did my own thing and was out of God’s will, life became pretty difficult there. I struggled in a way that I can’t even describe. God allows us free will. God allows us to make our own decisions. I wanted so badly to escape Indiana that I read into the open doors as a sign that I was in God’s will. I needed to know for myself that the grass was NOT greener on the other side of the country. God allowed that and now I am back in Indiana where I belong. God allows suffering to bring us closer to Him. It is often in our suffering that we seek Him the most.
  4. Be grateful for the simple things – I am a simple person. I don’t own a lot of material possessions. I don’t need a lot of things. I am grateful for what I do have. I am grateful for what I have access to through family and community. Who knew that we would ALL be thankful for a simple package of toilet paper or cleaning supplies. Some stores still have empty shelves where what we thought were necessary items once lived. We have ALL needed to prioritize what is absolutely necessary. I have become grateful for the basics. I am not taking anything for granted, because in a heart beat, it can all be gone.
  5. I need my family – From my dark place late 2019 and earlier this year, I thought that my family did not want me and that I would be better off somewhere alone in another community. I realized that my family can not be replaced. We bicker. We don’t “hear” each other when we should. We don’t always understand each other, but we are family. I need my family. In the midst of social distancing I have realized that my family is where I feel safe from the chaos of the world. My family is where I feel loved. My family knows me and accepts me, quirks and all. My life would not be the same if I was not with my family.

In this last week of 2020, I reflect on what I have learned. I encourage you to take a few minutes to do the same. 2020 has not been all bad. What are you grateful for? What good has come out of this year? What lessons have you learned?

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5 Things I Am Grateful For

November 13, 2020 by pattiburris

This has been a year full of anxiety and uncertainty for everyone. We have been dealing with a pandemic that is not showing signs of going away any time soon. We have seen racial tensions and hate destroying cities. We have been political pawns in a Presidential race that has become a war of Democrats vs. Republicans. Now we sit and wait to see what will happen to this beautiful country in the next 4 years.

We can sit and wait in fear or we can take time in this month of Thanksgiving to remember the good things that have happened. There have been good things. Here are 5 things that I am grateful for:

  1. My Family – I love my family. I am grateful for a family that sticks together and never gives up on each other. We are not perfect, but we accept each others imperfections and show each other grace.
  2. Technology – I am so grateful for the ability to video chat my daughter when she is stationed overseas. I am grateful for the ability to watch our church services online when in person services are suspended. I am grateful for the ability to write my blog posts that reach people around the world and hopefully will encourage someone.
  3. Simplicity – I am grateful for the simple things in life. I am grateful for the freedom that is gained in not being trapped by material possessions. I am grateful for the ability to pursue my God given passion.
  4. Provision – I am grateful to a God that provides for me even when I wander aimlessly. I am grateful for the miracles that God works on my behalf.
  5. Life – I am grateful for life. I struggle with a few health issues, but I am ALIVE!!!

These are only 5 of the things that I am grateful for. I challenge you to take some time this month or next month to find out what you are grateful for. What good things have happened for you this year? What are you grateful for?

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Dear Single Mom: Learning To Accept God’s Will

November 5, 2020 by pattiburris

Dear single mom,

Have you ever prayed about an issue or a circumstance, just to have God say no? It can be frustrating. Especially when God gives no reason behind the answer.

I have been praying non stop for over 2 1/2 years for my son-in-law to gain full-custody of his 2 sons. Without going into detail, I will say that the boys would have a more stable environment with my daughter and son-in-law. They have spent the last 2 1/2 years in a custody battle with his ex-wife. 2 1/2 years and $16,000.00 later the ruling is that everything will remain the same. This “same” arrangement has not worked in the past and I don’t see how it will work any different now, but this is how God answered my prayers.

WHY?

I still ask this question. Where is the justice for my son-in-law? Where is the justice for the boys? Why? We are to pray for justice for the oppressed and when we do, God leaves things the same way. Why?

God does not owe me an explanation. Part of being a Christian is trusting in God’s will. We have to believe that despite the way things seem, God is still in control and is working all things for the good for those who believe in Him.

This has been a difficult year. We have struggled with a pandemic, national division, fear and anxiety over who will be President, and division in the Church of America. We have seen anger and violence in the streets. We fear for ourselves and our children. We watch as Satan seems to gain more ground in this nation that was founded on Christian principles. We watch and we pray.

Luke 22:42

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

Jesus did not want to die, but He was willing to do the will of His Father. He trusted His Father. He could have changed His fate, but He did not. He trusted the will of God.

We can not change who will be President. We can not change the ebb and flow of a pandemic. We can not change the hearts of those that are hell bent on violence and destruction. All we can do is:

PRAY…and

BURY OURSELVES IN THE BIBLE

Jesus prayed…and

Jesus buried Himself in God’s Word.

It is okay to pray for what we want, BUT we have to remember that God knows best. Praying God’s will should be our #1 priority. Ask for what we want, but ultimately we need to be willing to surrender the outcome to God.

When we bury ourselves in the Bible, we can stand on God’s promises and we grow in our faith. We can pray God’s Word back to Him, trusting in the outcome.

When God does not answer a prayer the way we want or think it should be answered, we have to trust in the ultimate goodness and love of God. There are times when we will not understand the answer to our prayers. We have to have faith that God has our best interest at heart. He knows ALL and sees ALL and only He can protect us from an unknown danger or set up a future miracle.

I am challenging myself to pray one simple prayer in ALL situations: Thy will be done.

I urge you to do the same. We can not change the outcomes of events. If Something is God’s will, we can only trust that He will be with us in the times of trouble. Do not worry!

Keep praying! Don’t let the chaos of today cause you to doubt God’s will for tomorrow. The schemes of the devil can not change God’s will. God may say NO, but we can stand firm trusting that it is for our best.

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Dear Single Mom: Fighting Temptation

October 13, 2020 by pattiburris

James 1:13-15

13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Dear Single Mom,

Temptation is a part of life. Some temptations aren’t necessarily going to lead you into sin (if you splurge occasionally and buy that item that makes you smile). Other temptations WILL lead us into a lifestyle of sin and should be avoided at all costs. According to James 1, God does NOT tempt us. It is when we are led astray by our own evil desires that Satan gains a foothold into our lives and sin is able to slip in the door of our hearts.

We have to be constantly on guard.

1 Peter 5:8

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 

We need to be alert and of sober mind. Do not allow anything to alter your mental capacity to think straight.

How do we fight temptation?

Luke 22:40 tells us to pray that we will not fall into temptation.

We trust God:

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

James 4:7 tells us to submit ourselves to God and to resist the devil and he will flee from us.

There are 3 questions you need to ask yourself when facing a temptation:

If I do this will I bring glory and honor to God?

If I do this will I be setting a good example for my children?

Is this something I would want my children to do?

If the answer to these questions is NO then DON’T DO IT!

I know that facing down the devil when he is tempting us is not always easy, but allowing him to lead us into sin will only lead to a life of chaos, pain and emptiness. Do not give in to his manipulation tactics, his lies and his deception. He does not want what is best for you. He wants to separate you from the one who loves you, GOD.

If you are facing temptation today, submit to God and resist the devil. Resist him and he WILL flee. I am always here to pray and encourage if you need the extra support.

God loves you single mom and so do I!

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