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Posts Tagged ‘silence’

silence

 

 

I know that I have not written for about 2 1/2 months. There have been times when I wanted to, but I couldn’t find the words. It has been a tough time and I have felt lost. I still feel that way to some degree, but I am trying to fight my way back. I felt like there was a part of me that was withdrawing from the world. Sometimes, we need to withdraw to gain perspective or simply to find the strength and courage to go on. I could not give up writing for to long. All these thoughts and feelings were bottled up inside of me and this ongoing need to write about Jesus. I feel so filled up with Jesus and the Holy Spirit that I feel that I will explode. If I am silent, the stones will cry out (Luke 19:40). I understand that verse now. It is how I feel. All these feelings and words are jumbled up inside of me and writing this blog is my only way to get it out. I will explain some of what I have been going through.

I am the blessed mom of 5 kids in 5 different phases of life. It isn’t easy and sometimes it can be downright overwhelming. My oldest, Cherokee 20 and my granddaughter Ava moved to North Carolina at the end of March. Cherokee is adjusting to marriage and motherhood. She is finding that these roles sometimes come with heartache. Kiowa, my 19 year old daughter has just finished her first and last year of college. She decided it wasn’t for her and is now in the process of joining the Air Force. Cree, my 17 year old daughter is a junior in high school and is struggling to decide what she wants to do after high school. That transition to adulthood can be a tough one. Talon and Ty, 14 and 12 respectively, deal with peer pressure and inappropriate behavior in their public schools. I talk to them about how they want people to see them and how they want to see themselves, but sometimes it is hard to be the only one outside of the circle. Sometimes it is easier to join the crowd, especially at their young ages. I see them having a harder time of this then the girls did. I wish I could protect them from this, but they have to find their own way and decide how they want to act. I’m not always happy with their choices and I worry about their futures and then I see that glimmer of Jesus and it gives me hope that they will turn out just fine. God has a hold of them all. I know that, but my mother’s heart still worries.

Personally, I have had to make some changes. I had to add a few more hours to my work schedule, due to the need of a few more dollars in the bank. I went to the doctor in early April and was told that I needed to limit the stress in my life, as she upped my blood pressure medication. I have come to the conclusion that the only thing I really can control is how I react to the stressors in my life. I can’t let the little things effect me or I will have a heart attack at the age of 44. I could hear the concern in her voice. I have to lean on my heavenly Father more than ever. I have to calmly deal with what needs dealt with and let go of everything else. I need to find that place of peace and joy in times of chaos and refuse to let go of it. More than ever, I need to let God be my rock, my protector, my provider, my peace, my joy, the one in control.

I am glad that I am back. I couldn’t stop writing and I won’t stop writing. I know I used to write 3 or 4 posts a week, but given my new work schedule, I will have to cut that down to 1 post per week. I am still here for you, my friend, and I encourage you to contact me. Thank you for your patience and God bless you always.

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