Patti Burris

I was helping my daughter, Cree, set up her 1st grade class yesterday when she pulled up the above poster to hang up for her kids. When I read it, it struck me that the majority of us, as adults, need to know how to fight fair. There is so much violence and hate in this world and it starts with us as adults. We refuse to listen to anyone who has a different opinion than ours. We refuse to listen to anyone who looks different, dresses differently, lives in a “less than” neighborhood, or works in a lower income job. We have become a society where CLASS places us above or below others and those above refuse to acknowledge those living in a “lower class”. We refuse to admit that we aren’t always right and that compromise does not mean we lose. We, as adults, need to step up and set a better example for our kids. We need to go back to elementary school and learn the rules for fighting fair:

1. Identify the problem – What is the problem that needs to be solved? Is there an actual problem that needs to be solved? I have found that many of our problems start because of our own attitudes and behaviors. If there is a problem between two people or a group of people, it usually stems from heart issues that at least one person is dealing with. Simple problems such as scheduling conflicts get blown out of proportion when one or both people involved only want things their way and aren’t willing to see the other person’s side of the conflict. Our larger problems in society involve our heart issues (our feelings of entitlement, our biases, our perceptions, our belief that we are right and everyone else is wrong, and our judgmental attitudes towards others). So, what is the problem? Is it something surface level that can be solved with a simple conversation or does it go deeper? Does the problem involve a heart issue in one or all of the people involved? Is there a legitimate problem or is the problem our own attitude?
2. Focus on the problem – When we have a problem with another person or people, we need to be careful to focus on the problem and not our own anger or our feelings about the other people involved. Each person is approaching a problem from different perspectives and view points, so we need to focus only on the problem at hand.
3. Attack the problem, not the person – When we approach another person about a problem, we need to remember that we are confronting the problem and not the person. We need to approach the person that we have an issue with from a place of peace. Our focus needs to be on creating peace and not escalating the problem.
4. Listen with an open mind – When we approach another person with a problem, we are coming with our own opinions, and agenda. We also, have to realize that the other person is approaching the problem with their own opinions, and agenda. We all approach problems focusing on what we want. We all approach problems with a game plan focused on how we can get what we want. We need to approach a problem focused on the best outcome for all involved. We need to listen to what other participants are saying and be open to the underlying emotions. When we approach a problem with a closed mind and a closed heart nothing is accomplished. When we approach a problem with an open mind and an open heart, it allows for compromise and the finding of solutions to all of our problems.
5. Treat a person’s feelings with respect – We don’t know the underlying emotions or burdens that someone is carrying when we approach them about a problem. We all approach problems from our own perspectives based on our experiences, backgrounds, traditions, and cultures. We need to respect the feelings of the other people involved in the problem. We need to show respect for their perspectives, even if we don’t agree with them. We need to be kind and gentle in our approaching others about a problem. If we approach others from a defensive, aggressive, or disrespectful attitude we will never resolve the problem in a way that benefits all parties involved. If we want peace, we need to come from a place of peace.
6. Take responsibility for your actions – No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. There are times when a problem arises because of a mistake that we have made or because of something we have done to hurt someone or cause a problem. When that happens we need to come from a place of humility and be willing to take responsibility for our actions and we need to be willing to make amends and work towards a solution to the problems that arise because of our actions. We can’t just bury our heads in the sand when we mess up. We need to be accountable and work for solutions.

There are fouls when approaching another person to discuss a problem. These are things that we should NEVER do:

• Pushing
• Hitting
• Threats
• Sneering
• Getting Even
• Blaming
• Name Calling
• Not Listening
• Not Taking Responsibility
• Making Excuses
• Bossing
• Bringing Up The Past
• Put-Downs

There is so much negativity and anger in society today. There are so many people that feel that their opinion is the only opinion and that their way is the only way. There is always room for compromise. We have a choice. Will we approach the other participants of a problem with a selfish “my way or the high-way” attitude or will we come with a sense of peace and humility? It’s up to us. Do we want peace or do we want a constant state of fear and war? We, as adults need to remember that the examples we set for our kids today, will influence who they become tomorrow. Our kids will determine how our society evolves tomorrow. Will we have kids that live for peace or will we have kids that live for anger and violence? It is up to us, the adults of today.